Gift of Tears?

A weird thing happened to me this morning.

On the days I lector, I run through the readings before I get to the ambo, to see if the Holy Spirit has something for me. I practice reading out loud a few times for pronunciation, etc. Then I throw up a prayer that the Word of Life will touch someone through my voice.

When I am ‘live’ lecturing at the ambo, sometimes I feel emotional and about to burst into tears. That rarely happens, and I never actually cry, nor does it affect my voice. I note it and re-read the scripture verse over, at the exact spot where I felt emotional. Then I realize, yes, the Lord is speaking to me here in this exact spot. Thanks be to God.

Today’s first reading was run-of-the-mill. Didn’t sense anything special about it. I even thought today’s reading will be easy, peasy, no stumbling blocks.  About halfway through the first reading though, for no reason, I started to choke up so I had to stop. Then I started to cry, not just cry, but bawl. I’m sure father Dan thought he had to take over. I wiped tears so I could read and cleared snot so I could breathe, sobbing and muffling through the entire thing. Not a pretty picture.

Nothing is going on with me; in fact, everything is going really well.

I welcome tears because when I was on my healing journey from childhood wounds, tears would flow and I knew they were cleansing, healing. These were not public displays. Enter medium public display. I used to cry randomly during Mass, my family scooching further and further away from me in their seats when this happened. I didn’t think many people noticed and who knows what the tears were about?

But crying during Mass hasn’t occurred in a long time. Today, enter full-on public display.

After all that, I wasn’t about to not read the offending scripture verse again. Now this run-of-the-mill, nothing special reading feels meaningful and rich. The words speak to me in a way it did not all the times before. I think my heart understands what my head does not. I pray it is a gift of tears for someone else who needs it.

‘Offending’  reading : Hebrews 10: 11-18, Wednesday 3rd week in ordinary time

Every priest stands daily at his ministry, offering frequently those same sacrifices that can never take away sins. But this one offered one sacrifice for sins, and took his seat forever at the right hand of God; now he waits until his enemies are made his footstool. For by one offering he has made perfect forever those who are being consecrated. The Holy Spirit also testifies to us, for after saying:

This is the covenant I will establish with them after those days, says the Lord: "I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them upon their minds,"

he also says:

Their sins and their evildoing I will remember no more.

Where there is forgiveness of these, there is no longer offering for sin.

Photo by Arwan Sutanto on Unsplash